Post by Night Train Lane on Dec 11, 2011 21:25:18 GMT -5
Dick Lane saves five during storm
AP - Adolph Hitler, 46 Minutes Ago
While the SEC title game was taking place, Dick Lane was in Atlanta, Georgia. Little did Lane he know, his 6’6" frame would be used to save five lives later that day.
During the Georgia vs. LSU game, storm warnings went off, causing panic throughout the crowd. Winds were tipping 35 miles per hour, and fans were running for the concourses. As the third quarter approached, the panels from the scoreboard began to fall and fly all over the field.
Showing that you automatically get stupid once you cross the line into Georgia, Tyrann Mathieu said, “I thought it was a terrorist attack.” Yeah, it was definitely a terrorist attack. People love to fly airplanes in gale force winds.
Once debris began flying, Lane jumped into action pushing a mother, and her four kids out of the way of a falling support beam.
“I just do my job man. I do what my God-given abilities allow me to do and I thank Jesus Christ for it every single day. Do I enjoy what I do? [Chuckles] Hell, yeah!”
Lane, after it was all over, received numerous awards, and prestigious honors from the NCAA.
“I mean, I’m quite flattered to say the least. I have a years worth of Hanes underwear, a lifetime subscription to Playboy, an endorsement with Pepsi, and I’m the official defensive back for the SEC title game. This is awesome,” said Lane.
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In other news, Lane came out firing in response to what he calls, “lack of effort” on the part of UFSL leadership.
“I believe that when things are broke, you fix them. Whenever you hear something odd on your car, you pull over to the side of the road to check it out. I mean, there’s obviously a reason why you don’t keep on driving until your car just stops. So when stuff is going wrong in week one, why are we waiting for the wheels to fall off down the road? If that’s what they want to do, fine. But it's just going to do more harm than good.”
To most, these comments seem somewhat bizarre, but Lane is firm in his beliefs.
Later at the press conference, Lane was questioned about his poor performance and if that had any effect on the outcome of the game.
“I had a pretty piss-poor performance. It’s a lot harder for me to cover receivers, and fly to the ball being so old and what not. You guys are right though, that shouldn’t have any effect. I was out of it mentally, and it won’t happen again. At least we won.”
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After signing with Reno, Stricker Williams was recently jailed for shooting his pet lemurs with a NERF gun outside of his house in Metropolis, Illinois. As if it were written in a work of fiction, that’s not even the odd part.
“Well, I came around the corner, and I was pretty bored. My nephews came over, and left out the NERF guns. So I started shooting at stuff in the yard. The lemurs were running around and they wouldn’t quit making that squeaky noise they make, so I popped them a couple times. It was great because I tossed them one, and they would kind of throw it back at me. That‘s when it got interesting.”
The police report describes Stricker as, “Single - White Male - Mid-20’s - Taken Away in Ambulance.”
“I jumped and fired and I hit Mia; the ’momma cat.’ I nailed her right between the eyes, oh it was great. Anyway, I was rolling on the ground and all of the lemurs began kicking me. I guess they were trying to defend her. Then I felt my pants unzip. That’s when I knew, nothing good could come of this.”
Stricker Williams was rushed to Liberty Medical Center after having his left testicle forcibly removed from his body.
“Yeah, the pain was excruciating. I guess there are good sides to the story. One good side is that I have something in common with Lance Armstrong, we’re both uni-ballers. Now I can go around and say, ‘ballin,’’ and it actually makes sense. I guess another good side to it is that people will take it easy on me everywhere I go. I love pity.”
